The Journey

Forest journey

Learning oneself

From the trips and falls

When ones life about turns

Flips upside down and inside out

What was once never again

The true self.

Struggling and competing

Merging and blending

Eventual crash

Shutdown

Complete shutdown

Slow rebuild

Lost abilities

Fighting and yearning

What was life

But a mask.

The crash

What once was is long gone

Everything takes time

So much time

Processing is work

Battered and bruised

Bullied and discriminated.

Did they know?

Were they humouring me?

Arms weak from mask holding

Began to slip

Knowledge sought

Fix oneself

Fix oneself

This is oneself.

Was once lightning quick

Sharp and diligent

Will it return?

How long does it take?

Missing out

Beaten down

Impatient.

Bearing one soul

Resembling stepping off a cliff edge

In the hope of catharsis

Nakedness

Will the body heal with the mind?

Pain beats down like a thousand horses

Existence.

 

Guys, why can’t my mind rest?

Why is my mind so busy, so full of information, that i hardly have the room or capacity to move amongst that information and crazy hectic-ness? Why can i not seem to categorise and systemize it all. I very much like systemizing and in many ways I do, but why can i not order my mind? I just don’t know what to do. I am overwhelmed, and find myself in tears, a lot. I cannot think straight. When I try to think/read/study I cannot seem to take the dam information in and I cannot remember things. My memory has always been such a problem for me. Why is this???!!! It drives me insane. I used to be so smart, and quick. Not that this relates to memory I guess. I so, so, so wish I had a bloody memory for things. My bad memory makes me very angry and frustrated and it holds me back so, in so many ways, in my ultimate pursuit for further knowledge/study, dam it!

Is it simply a normal process of the realisation and acceptance of the the newly discovered AS ownership? Is it the fact that my mind is scrupulously re-hashing the little memory bank I do have of my whole life, and is busy systemizing these and ticking them off with my now new found knowledge and reasoning… Please someone advise…I am struggling…