Sometimes I have days where seeing another human being seems like the most draining and intimidating task in the entire world. These are the days when I just want to stay home and speak to nobody. There are days when I need to recover from all the excitement and bustle of professional life, sitting in […]
Wow! YES! Yet again, this is me. Thank you 🙂
In the neurotypical world, there is generally a limited gradient in terms of the type and intensity of fondness that one person may have for another.
There is love, such as what one feels for a close family member.
There is love, such as what one feels for a partner or significant other.
There is like-a-lot, the kind that one might feel towards a good, long-time friend.
There is “just friends”, which is how one might regard other good friends who aren’t their “best” friends, but a good friend nonetheless.
There’s lukewarm-like, such as the benevolent, casual feeling one might have toward an acquaintance.
In certain situations, there’s also the infatuation/”crush” that one often develops toward someone one is attracted to.
In another type of certain situation, there’s a purely sexual attraction, in which the people find each other nice to look at and the chemistry flows between them, but…
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So, recently I have been in somewhat or a tornado of emotions and stress. I have been, when I have time to, decipher and re-organise some of my most pressing thoughts and related emotions. I just posted a blog, and thought I would post this one too, seen as though I am on a roll.
I have three children (5 year old, 13 year old, and a 16 year old) all boys. As you can imagine, as young children, even right up till around 11/12 years of age, they would give/show me love and affection. However, my eldest, does not like cuddles (CERTAINLY NOT KISSES) and any other form of physical affection from me. He even has to be in the right kind of mood to give me a hug. Do not get me wrong, he is wonderful and very sensitive, it’s just apparently (so my husband tells me) my behaviour is “weird”. The fact that i want hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and to stare at him, admiring all his facial features, every freckle is “weird”. I hate this. It makes me very sad.
My 13 year old is also going the same way. I was very low and tearful a week or two ago and went to GP and got my Citalopram increased to 40mg. This shit, however, is real and no drug is going to change that.
I feel very fortunate that my 5 year old is a “mummy’s boy”. He loves me dearly and tells me hundreds of times how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I do not like compliments and do not believe I am remotely pretty, but when your baby tells you this it is easier to take. He gives me lovely kisses and cuddles and when I am not working, will always be by my side. He, and the other two, but particularly the 5 year old, makes me smile and makes my heart happy.
Maybe I am abnormal for feeling this way, and being so needy in terms of affection from my babies. Or maybe its just that this is a difficult transition, and that it’s right that I give this the recognition I think it needs…hence the blog post.
Over and out ❤
So, to set the scene, as some of you may be aware, I have been going through somewhat of an identity realisation process, since I realised I have AS back around November time, 2016. It was at this time that my stress levels were coming to a head and I had gone way beyond previous stress build-up levels (autistic burnout). It was then that everything came together.
Anyhow, these past few months have been my most difficult to date, and, what with still balancing a family of 5, maintaining a stressful full-time job, and barely keeping up with study, I have noticed and recognised a few familiar thought patterns returning. Said thought patterns have occurred twice previously, and I was able to successfully orchestrate and execute on both occasions, and are escape/exit strategies for when I feel I need to get off the people-oriented roundabout and retreat to my controlled environment (home) with preferred loved ones – NO outsiders, NO work, NO socialisation, NO pretence/masking/keeping up appearances and all that crap = Comfort zone!! !!!! !!
A period of time to regather & refuel oneself.
This time, however, I am not able to 😦
When I talk of my exit strategies, of which, as stated, have been successfully executed twice previously, I mean (this is probably going to sound heartless and cold?) getting pregnant. OF COURSE, we wanted babies/children, but this was ultimately how they fitted into the grand scheme.
The reasons I am not able to do this:
- Cannot afford it
- We would need to change cars and purchase a 7-seater
- My pelvis would not take it (concurrent sufferer of SPD, which resulted in limited movement, crippling pain, and made me wheelchair bound throughout the pregnancy, and suffered for 4 years postnatally)
- We are a bedroom short
- We are tired.
The psychological acceptance process of this is huge and this is an entire series’ of blog posts outright. So I will refrain from getting all depressed and going into that until a time whereby I feel strong enough.
Yeah, so, over the past couple of weeks my mind has been piecing all this together, and I realised that this, indeed, was a coping strategy/mechanism that I would use, when I felt things were coming to a head and I was heading for burnout. Perhaps not a particularly good one, as children are not a walk in the park, neither is postnatal depression! That aside, I had around 1-2 years out of the picture.
So now, my only hope, is the fact that I work for an incredible organisation that are well aware of the struggles inherent with autism. I just hope that my immediate manager (new to the organisation) lessens the pressure on me and is taught about AS and the allowances (I guess) needed. I am told that she is a good manager, in that she is a delegator. Not so good, for me, the person being delegated to… Oh how I digress!
So yeah, I wanted to share this with you, as although very personal, I feel trust and comfort from you guys’ and your wonderful posts.
I know I have said it in comments many times, but I just can’t get over the feeling of being with like-minded people that share many of the characteristics I have. To finally feel like you belong and you’re not a spectator.
I’ve written about mimicking before (here and here, to name a couple). Mimicking other people takes on many forms. Sometimes it’s relatively mild, in which people all mimic each other to an extent in order to participate in society. Or, it can be much more pronounced, such as the annoying younger sibling who repeats every word you say just to irritate you.
For people on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum, however, there’s another–specific–type of mimicking, done for a specific reason. Our commonly-shared social awkwardness often drives us to observe and copy the words, phrases, actions, and/or even appearance, of someone else, in order to be accepted, in order not to stand out as a “nerd”, an “outcast”, or otherwise different. Mimicking becomes a survival strategy for interacting with the world at large.
Although mimicking in the general (not-necessarily-spectrum) sense of the word is usually more of a childhood concept (especially…
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For me it is currently 1:10am and I am sleep deprived. Tomorrow I will comment with the right words to thank you for this heartfelt post 💞
(Image Credit: Keri Bowers, a co-founder of one of my favorite sites ever, The Art of Autism collaborative (an article she has written can be found here), who is also a film-producer, speaker, writer, and mom. You can find her on Twitter at @autismfilms as well. Thank you Keri for giving me permission to use this beautiful image!)
Although this post is geared mostly toward adults (of any age), I want to include teenagers as well, because it may be relevant to–and provide comfort for–teenagers, too. What can I say; I’m inclusive 🙂
As many of you know, I took my first online questionnaire a little over 11 months ago, and the score was pretty strongly indicative: 43 out of 50, and the cutoff was 32; anything over 32 was, according to research, strongly indicative of Asperger’s/autism spectrumhood.
I still remember the feeling.
I froze. My eyes…
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